It can get hard as well

 All my blogs so far have been telling how exciting and fun my trip has been so far, but I want to let people know that if you are going away for a year things do happen back home and you would rather be back there with your family at those times. So let me tell you about my Grandad.

His name was William Archibald Ronald Lindsay but he was always Ronnie.   He lived his whole life in Dunfermline but that did not mean he didn’t see so much more of the world.  Part of the reason I think I’m in India, although I’ve not thought about that until now.  I want to make sure I see as much of the world as he has. 

I really don’t know how to say all this so I’m sorry if it doesn’t read well, I just really struggle with this.

When we were wee (me, my sister and my cousins) he would always lift us up so that we could touch the ceiling in the living room or make the chimes go in the porch. 

He was amazing and I’ll remember him like that instead of the recent memories I have of him.  He had Alzheimer's and for the last 8 years he’s been in hospital.  Looking at someone at knowing they don’t know you is horrible.  My Grandma is so strong for what she’s done, she’s incredible.  We all knew my Grandad was suffering and that he hated being stuck in bed, unable to do anything and that made it all the harder, knowing what he was like before.  He was someone who loved everything and took the happiness in everything, always smiling.  Always.  He was always so proud of all of us and I know he still will be, in everything.  Well, I hope he is because I’m so happy to say I’m doing all this for him.  Making sure I always challenge myself and do the best I ever can. 

On the 27^th of September, my Grandad died.  After living with Alzheimer’s for so long, he is now free.  He can now do what he wants again.  He can go where he wants.  See where he wants.  The fact that he had Alzheimer’s for so long meant we knew that this was going to happen but that doesn’t make it any easier when someone dies, no amount of preparation actually prepares you for the realisation that that person is now no longer in the world.  They are gone. 

This would have been hard to deal with if I was at home with my family but I’m in India, exactly 5144 miles from home. (according to google)  I’m away from my family and everything that is normal, in a different country, culture.  I think it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through, and will have to again.  It’s horrible being away from your family when you know they’re going through hell at home.  I was stuck in India not able to hug my mum or anything.  I could just sit on my (surprisingly hard) bed here and do nothing for them.  The family we’re living with are all so lovely but it just still doesn’t compare to being at home with your own family and having their support.  There was a big family party about a week ago and I thought that would have made me feel better but it didn’t.  It made it so much worse.  The family are just like mine back home and it just meant that I missed them all more.

I would never say I wanted to come home because I am having such a good time here.  But it’s just that I would rather have been with my family than in India.  The only thing that is keeping me determined to be here is that I know my Grandad would never have wanted me to come home in a million years.  I know that I have to finish my year here so that I can make him proud of all I’ve done. 

I don’t know how to feel after all this has happened.  I really don’t know how I’m supposed to feel and how I’m supposed to deal with it.  Crying in the bathroom seemed to be a common way of dealing with it but that doesn’t mean I’m any clearer on what I want.   I just kind of kept going like things were normal even though inside I felt awful, I just wanted to talk to home and make sure they were all okay.  I didn’t know what I wanted here that would make it better.  I wasn’t even sure at some points if anything could make it better.  I was just numb to things until it hit me again and it almost made me feel sick.   Trying to distract myself didn’t seem to work either, I would just start thinking again.  And I couldn’t think about doing anything because I felt guilty about enjoying myself. 

I find it really hard to express how I feel, to anybody.  I never like people worrying about me or them going out of their way to help me or do things to cheer me up.  Even though I love doing that for other people I can’t seem to let other people do the same for me.  It’s not that I don’t share (I think Sarah would agree that I have shared far too much on this trip already) it’s just that I don’t do telling people how I feel.  So this post has been really hard for me. 

On Monday the 6^th October, my Grandma and Grandad’s wedding anniversary, it was my Grandad’s funeral.   And I went to a safari park.  I don’t know whether to feel guilty that I did this or not because it was a way for me not to think about it.   But when we came back, after buying a white rose (because that was what my sister was putting on his coffin for me) I read through the eulogy and listened to the songs they played.  The eulogy was perfect and so was what my Aunt said as well.  And the songs were so well chosen as well.  Tina Turner – The Best, Kirsty MacColl – Days, and Ae Fond Kiss.  I’m hoping now that my Grandad is finally free that it will be easier for me here but I don’t know.  That seems to be a common theme for me, I just don’t know.   

I’m really sorry that this post doesn’t flow well but it’s just because it’s so hard for me to write.   I will always miss my Grandad  but I know that he will always be my inspiration for everything.  I will always have to keep going, enjoying myself and do amazing things just like he did because I know that no matter what, I’ll always have my Grandad.